Journaling through grief: speaking to someone you've lost

Speaking to someone you've lost, out loud, in your own words, is one of the oldest things grieving people do. A spoken grief journal is simply a place to keep doing it: to tell them about your day, say what went unsaid, and hold on to them in a way that feels right to you.

This guide is for anyone who's thinking about it. It covers what the research honestly says, how to begin gently, prompts for different kinds of days, and when to look for more support than a journal can give.

If you're in crisis right now, please skip to the support section at the end of this page.

Is it normal to talk to someone who has died?

Yes. People talk to the dead at gravesides, in kitchens, in cars, under their breath in the supermarket. For a long time, the dominant idea in psychology was that healthy grief meant "letting go." That changed in 1996 with Continuing Bonds, a book edited by Dennis Klass, Phyllis Silverman and Steven Nickman, which argued that many bereaved people keep an ongoing relationship with the person who died, and that this is often part of coping well rather than a failure to move on.

A continuing bond can look like a lot of things: keeping their sweater, asking what they'd think, telling them good news. Talking to them out loud is one of the most natural.

What does the research say about writing or talking through grief?

Here it's worth being honest, because grief deserves honesty more than reassurance.

Expressive writing, the practice of writing about difficult experiences that psychologist James Pennebaker pioneered, has helped many groups of people in many studies. But bereavement has been one of the harder cases. In two prospective studies of widowed adults, Margaret Stroebe and colleagues (2002) found no evidence that disclosing emotions, in conversation or in a writing exercise, helped people adjust to the loss on average.

Other work is more encouraging, with caveats. In a small pilot trial with bereaved university students, Lichtenthal and Cruess (2010) found that writing guided toward making sense of the loss, or toward what the person had gained or learned through it, reduced some symptoms of grief and depression more than a control condition.

And one model of grief changes how to think about all of this. The dual process model developed by Stroebe and Henk Schut describes healthy grieving as moving back and forth between two modes: facing the loss (missing them, remembering, crying) and attending to life (the paperwork, the new routines, a film that makes you laugh). Neither mode is the right one. The movement between them is the point.

What this means in practice:

• You don't have to put your grief into words to grieve well.
• If talking to them helps, it's a good thing to do. That's reason enough.
• Taking breaks from grief isn't avoidance. It's part of how people get through it.

Why speak it rather than write it?

Some people find writing too slow for grief, or too formal. Speaking lets you address the person directly, the way you used to. You can say their name. You can use the nickname nobody else used. You can cry mid-sentence and keep going, or stop.

Speaking also tends to come out as conversation. "You won't believe what your grandson said today" is easier to say than to write, and it feels more like them.

How to begin, gently

There's no method here, only a few things that tend to help.

• Start small. Say their name. Say, "I miss you." That can be the whole entry.
• Choose your time. Not right before a meeting or a school pickup. Somewhere you can be undone for a little while if you need to be.
• Let it be short or long. Two minutes counts. So does an hour.
• Stop whenever you want. You can pause mid-thought and come back tomorrow.
• Plan a soft landing. Afterwards, do something ordinary: make tea, step outside, call a friend. This is the dual process model in miniature: some time facing the loss, then some time in life.
• You don't have to listen back. Some people do, months later, and find it helps to hear how far they've come. Some never do. Either is fine.
• It doesn't have to make sense. Grief isn't tidy. Neither are these recordings.

Prompts for speaking to someone you've lost

Use these as a way in, not a checklist. Many are written as if speaking to them directly. Change the words to fit.

In the early days

• "I don't know what to say yet, but I wanted to talk to you."
• Tell them what today was like, hour by hour.
• What's the thing you keep expecting to tell them?
• Describe the moment you heard. Only if you want to.
• What do you need right now that you can't ask them for?

Saying what wasn't said

• "There's something I never got to tell you..."
• Say thank you for one specific thing.
• If there's something you're sorry for, say it. Then say what you think they would have said back.
• What was the last real conversation you had? How would you finish it?
• Is there a question you wish you'd asked them? Ask it.

Memories

• Describe them doing something completely ordinary: cooking, driving, laughing at the TV.
• Tell the story you always tell about them. Then tell one you've never told anyone.
• What did their house, car or coat smell like?
• What's a phrase they always used? Say it in their voice.
• Describe a day with them you'd relive if you could.

Telling them about now

• Tell them some news: good, bad or ordinary.
• "You'd have laughed at this..."
• What's changed since they died? What hasn't?
• How is everyone else doing? Tell them honestly.
• How are you, really?

When grief is complicated

Not every relationship was simple, and not every loss is mourned cleanly.

• What are you angry about? You're allowed to be angry at them.
• What do you feel guilty about? Say it, then ask whether you'd judge a friend this harshly.
• What do you miss, and what don't you miss? Both can be true.
• If they hurt you, what do you want them to know?
• What do you wish your relationship had been?

Anniversaries, birthdays and hard days

• Tell them what today would have been like if they were here.
• What did you do to mark the day? What would they have thought?
• Which moment today did you feel them most?
• What's harder this year than last? What's easier?

Carrying them forward

• What did they teach you that you still use?
• What part of them do you see in yourself, or in someone else?
• What would they want for you this year?
• What do you want to keep of them? A habit, a recipe, a way of seeing things?
• "This is how I'm going to remember you..."

Where to find support

A journal can be a good companion in grief. It isn't a substitute for people, and it isn't treatment.

For most people, the most intense pain softens slowly over time, even when the loss never stops mattering. For some, it doesn't. The American Psychiatric Association recognizes prolonged grief disorder: intense longing for or preoccupation with the person that is still present nearly every day at least a year after the loss (for adults) and seriously disrupts daily life. It's treatable, and asking about it is not an overreaction.

Places to start:

• Your doctor, who can refer you to a grief counselor or therapist. Using a voice journal alongside therapy has ideas for bringing your recordings into sessions if you'd like to.
• Hospice bereavement services. If your person died in hospice care in the US, Medicare-certified hospices offer bereavement support to families for up to 13 months after the death. Many hospices elsewhere offer similar support.
• In the UK, Cruse Bereavement Support runs a free helpline on 0808 808 1677.
• If you're thinking about ending your life or harming yourself, please reach out now. In the US, call or text 988. In the UK and Ireland, call Samaritans on 116 123. Elsewhere, contact your local emergency number or a local crisis line.

You don't have to wait until things are unbearable. Grief is reason enough to ask for company.

For more on what journaling can and can't do for your wellbeing, see is journaling good for your mental health? And if you'd like the research background on writing about hard experiences, Pennebaker's expressive writing, spoken covers it.

How Monologue helps

Monologue is a voice journal for iPhone and Apple Watch. If you'd like a private place to speak to someone you've lost, it was made to be that kind of place. There's no time limit, you can pause and resume whenever you need to, and your words are saved as you speak, so nothing is lost if you have to stop suddenly. Your monologues live on your iPhone and in your own iCloud, with transcripts end-to-end encrypted using keys only your devices hold, and Monologue's servers delete the audio and transcript once transcription is done. You can make a tag with their name, and every entry where you speak about them will gather there, for whenever you want to find them again. Download Monologue.